Change is good, right?

So, today our wards got all redone. I'm thinking about how hard it will be for those who are going to a new ward, and yet how exciting it is to have a new beginning, as it were. (I'm also trying to read through the cat who jumped up on the desk and is now batting at the letters as they appear on the monitor.) More later -- just thought I'd try my new technique to save the space. :>

Tender Mercies

I was looking for insight last night, and as I prayed the Lord brought a scripture to my mind. I feel so grateful and blessed -- despite my failings, the Lord still answers my prayers. Plus, the scripture clearly fits and enlightens my questions (about process vs. results). I'll do more on this blog tomorrow.

Tuesday April 13th

so I'll get back to this soon. :>

Where to Begin?

Eveyone says you should keep a journal. (I suppose a blog counts, though it has some differences.) I noticed a while back that I would pick up my journal to write after some time had gone by, and it would invariably be around a month since I had written last. An entire month -- gone. Talk about "saving your life"! -- writing things down preserves the memories, which is all we end up with from this life. When I don't write it down, I'm sure it still influences me (for good or bad), but I don't remember it. If it was really important, I could hope that the Holy Ghost would "bring all things to my remembrance," but maybe that's only as I lay dying and my life flashes before my eyes. That isn't much use to me NOW.

So with the blog: I have many ideas and thoughts that I could write about and develop. Where to begin? I also have tons of work and projects to do. Where to begin? I was trying to figure that out (for this blog entry), and it occurred to me that I have already begun (in so many ways): my birth, my marriage, my family, my work, my service, my writing, my prayers, my path. I can't begin, so much as recommence, rededicate, recommit, renew. Maybe that's because there is no beginning, just as there is no end. How can you define a point (and why bother trying) when it is, after all, meaningless?

This is a huge ahah! experience for me. Seriously! I have been constantly looking for something momentous, memorable or meaningful to pin my thoughts, efforts, or plans on. Even the 7 to the power of 7 idea hinges on something clever or cute that I can use to justify the new direction and/or new system. It's related to the linear quality of goals: once I mess things up, I have to find a new hook for myself -- I want a pristine piece of paper for writing my life. But this is all forgetting the eternal and spiral nature of our existence. In always remembering that truth, I can be liberated as well as strengthened and inspired. Where to begin? Wrong question. I've already begun, and need only keep moving forward.

Karl Joseph Savage

Dave's brother Karl died on Wednesday, suddenly, shockingly. I feel sad, devastated, and sobered. Part of the sorrow is I didn't even know what I was missing until it was gone. I still don't fully comprehend. I have always loved and admired Karl, and I have come to respect and honor him. He was faithful and did what he felt was right, no matter the cost to himself. I want to be able to do that. His loss reminds me that there are no guarantees, and shows me that I have been forgetting that: blithely tossing my time around without care or thought for what really matters, what really lasts. Space, time and words could never suffice to describe the sorrow, the loss, the grief --but joy, repentance and gratitude can come from, shine forth, and bless this pain and sancify it (and us).

April Fools

I have been a fool many times, and I'm sure I will be many times more. I am feeling especially foolish as I look back at the last several weeks and see how much time I have wasted and how many bad habits I have fostered. But it occurs to me as I write that I don't have the right perspective: yes, I've stayed in a few favorite ruts, but I have accomplished some good as well.

Tonight I just finished helping a dear friend submit her final coursework for a Bachelor's Degree. She has worked so hard, and it has been a privilege to support her. I'm tired, the house is messy, but the BIG THING is done. Maybe I should look back at my last few weeks (months, years) with that perspective: I wasn' t perfect at everything, but I did get some good things -- things that matter, things that last -- done. Then I wouldn't feel so foolish, after all.

Blinded by the Light

You're not supposed to look directly at the sun, because they say it will burn your retinas. Don't let that stop you from looking elsewhere for intensely focused light -- it will be a blessing. When I look at all the great and amazing qualities and abilities of my husband, I am blinded to any small traits that I don't share or enjoy. (This is true for every person I have the privilege to know well, but he's the easiest and most obvious example. ) When I let my blessings and my gratitude occupy my mind and heart, I don't even notice the little gravel of inconvenience or discourtesy along the path. When I keep my eyes focused on my Savior, the sins and hurts that beset me become insignficant. I see no darkness, I fear no pain, I cry no fault: I am blinded by the light of joy, love and priceless worth shining from each soul, each step, each day.

Goals

I've had a bad attitude about goals for a long time (ever since Uncle Karl pointed out how linear they are: a story for another time). Dave says they're important and I could sure use some. I've been gradually warming to them, depending on how they structured. I mean, how can you have a goal to "get up every morning at 5:30am and exercise"? The first day that you're sick or that your alarm doesn't go off, you are a failure. I'm more comfortable with goals like "read the scriptures every day." That way, if something disrupts your normal plan, you can adjust and still "succeed." (This brings up the whole other topic of what is success, but I'll save that one for another day as well.) If you notice, you'll see that I'm actually more in favor of plans than goals. This has to do with how plans focus on means rather than ends, on efforts rather than results.

BUT, a while back it struck me (while reading the scriptures!) that a covenant is a commitment to/with God, and a promise is a commitment to others, so a goal can be seen as a commitment to yourself. That, I can accept (and use). My entire Seven to the Power of Seven plan is an expression of my commitment to myself for improvement, discipline and growth. Maybe I don't hate goals as much as I thought: perhaps I am only careful to avoid the dead ends of unrealistic and unreasonable ones. Let's hope!

Sunshine in my Soul

Things have been a wreck around here lately. Personally: sweets, novels & TV galore. Family: arguing, playing, yelling, chasing. School: homework done late if at all; grousing. Housework: I'm sorry, I don't know what that is. Is that why the floor crunches when I walk, the bedrooms look ransacked and there's a funny smell in the bathroom? You get the idea.

But we've had record warmth (can't really call 55 degrees heat), the sun is shining, the trees are budding and the daffodils and crocuses are beginning to shoot up. I swept, I mopped, I washed, I dried, I folded, I put away, I wiped, I opened and voila! things don't seem that bad anymore. There just might be hope for me. (Well, I suppose there always IS hope, but the question is whether I will embrace it.)

Sometimes I wait for the sunshine from outside to start my hope to shoot up and my growth to begin budding. I need to remember that there is always Sunshine for my soul when I turn to my Savior and let His light -- which is ever present, maybe even more so when the clouds gather and the storms rage -- illuminate and enliven me.

Accountability

I took my son to a therapist, but who can I take myself to? I am up and down, all over the place. (For example, yesterday was a .33/7 day -- I didn't watch any television.) I guess I'm trying to be my own therapist, but I definitely need someone who will hold my feet to the fire at least once a week. Or maybe just listen attentively and sympathetically to my pathetic excuses and gushing victories. I don't think that will fix my problems, but KNOWING that someone will ask for an accounting would certainly change some of my choices.

This would help my children, too. (I mean the ones still at home, though the older ones are free to request phone counseling. :>) I see a need for me to be more supportive and more structured: to give THEM the accountability that I also need. Okay! the "think out loud on paper but really typing" method has worked again: I need to schedule weekly interviews with my children (and try to figure out who wants to hold one with me).

Areas of Weakness

We all have them, and most of us know what they are. Do we just have to live with them? Captain Moroni didn't. He recognized the areas of weakness in his country, and fortified them against his enemies. (He knew who they were, too.) He identified the places that wouldn't withstand an attack, and strategically strengthened them in anticipation of the battle he knew would come. And come it did, but "...to their utter astonishment, they were prepared for them, in a manner which never had been known..."

Sure enough, he trounced the bad guys -- but "it came to pass that Moroni did not stop making preparations..." He (1) heaped up earth into ridges, (2) built works of timbers, (3) placed strong and high pickets on top of that, (4) built towers to overlook the pickets, and (5) built places of security upon the towers. Not only that did he prepare defenses, but his army went out looking for and driving out bad guys from their land.

Can I identify my areas of weakness, and fortify myself? I could avoid the places or situations that trip me up and suck me down, I could commit myself to positive things (so I'd be too busy to blow it), I could read the scriptures to support myself, I could invite my friends and family to help me with my efforts, I could use prayer as a safety net. I could even seek out the excuses and rationalizations and bad habits that plague me and drive them out of my heart, my mind, my life. The Lord says that He will make weak things strong: when I am willing to work as hard as Moroni did to defend and fortify myself and those I love, God will show me how to strengthen my areas of weakness, how to build each day the fortifications He knows I need for the battles, seen and unseen, that I face.

Accomplishment

We honor it, we seek it, we rest on it, we imagine it: to accomplish something. There is a satisfaction in the completing, or the laying down or putting to rest of the task, project, goal, dream. (Just see my rave about my cleaned and organized closet, for one example.) I was going to pat myself on the back today because yesterday was a 7 of out 7 day! Yes, I did plan my time (even praying whether I should give up going to the YMCA because I could NOT find my bathing suit -- the impression I got was "keep looking"), read my scriptures, eat healthy foods, pray (more than once!), write in my journal and my blog, exercise (see above :>) and ... hmmm, how do I put this in past tense: I "be'd sober," "be sobered" or the boring "was sober"? (This is like "copies of the Book of Mormon.") How about: I didn't watch any television, I didn't eat any sweets, and I didn't read any novels today. (Now THAT's an accomplishment.)



Yet as I ponder it, I didn't complete anything. I am still on the journey; I still have progress to make, steps to take. Does one small success, one inching toward completion, a bit of movement, a piece of victory, a taste of glory COUNT? "Yes," and "It depends." Yes, because life isn't later, joy isn't eventual, and purpose is present. The fact that I need to do it again today doesn't diminish the reality that I did accomplish my goal, objective, commitment yesterday. It depends because who is doing the counting? It seems to me that it is always a mistake to imagine some ubiquitous "they" judging, scoring, and counting our efforts and choices: I wonder if "they" are a disguise for our own internal criticism, the lies of the world's expectations, the dismissive, demeaning and discouraging voices demanding justice while withholding mercy. Life, purpose and joy ARE the accomplishment -- we must accept and embrace them before we can celebrate other, more fleeting yet more tangible, success.

Disappointment

When my grandma was elderly, she gave a picture from her bedroom to one of her grand-daughters. She didn't know that my Mom had always loved that picture (a little girl, looking at a bird) because she remembered it from her own childhood. My mom asked her mother where it had gone, and felt devastated when she was told it had gone to her niece. Grandma felt bad, too, when she realized how much it meant to my Mom.

But Mom never said anything to her niece, because she understood that she hadn't meant anything bad by asking Grandma for it. How could she know? My Mom tried to get over her sadness by reminding herself that it was just a picture, that no one had hurt her on purpose and that she had never told anyone her own wishes about it. She was still sad, but she put it in perspective and moved on.

For Christmas that year, her niece gave the picture to my Mom. (Maybe the little bird told her?) I wonder if my Mom treasures this picture doubly now, not only because of her childhood memories but also because it reminds her of the reality of loss, disappointment and unmet expectations while reflecting the triumph of clarity, sacrifice and love.

I had a disappointment yesterday, and I cried. Like my Mom, I comforted myself with knowing that no one knew what I expected or how I felt, that it was just a physical thing and that no one hurt me on purpose. I also reminded myself that the Lord is aware of all of us, and will bless and compensate us according to our needs. I'm still disappointed, and I'm still a little sad. But the clarity of understanding, the sacrifice of selfishness and the love of God win the day.

Addiction

I was thinking about addiction (this, after hearing lots of opinions about Tiger Woods today), and wondering how it works. Maybe addiction is just a higher level of habitually giving in to temptation -- when you get to the point where it doesn't feel like a temptation, but just the normal way to live, choose, be. Lately I've been struggling... well, that implies I'm resisting, working, striving, fighting --so I guess I'd have to say that I'm in the beginnning stages of failing... with my bad habits. I feel myself going down hill. I get an out-of-body experience, watching myself doing things I really don't want to be doing. Often during a day, a thought will pop in my head: "You could go upstairs and read ___" (insert current novel here), or "How about some ice cream?" for example. My ability to ignore those drop-in, pop-up temptations waxes and wanes. I was pondering today on what influences my strength to resist (or not). I'm not sure I've got an exact formula, but my current success (I don't want to break my record so far), my current focus (I know what I really want and that isn't it), my current level of energy (I'm well-nurtured spiritually and physically) and my current degree of faith (confidence that the Lord will help me, certainty that this is His will) are definitely essential ingredients in the recipe. As far as accountability, yesterday was 2/7 (exercise & eat right); today was 4/7 (Plan, Write, Eat right & Read). I definitely need to work on the Be Sober one :>

Confession

I need to get back to the reason I started this blog in the first place: my journey of seven steps a day (x7x7(time)x7x7(pounds)x7x7(years)). I'm going to score myself every day, just to be accountable. (Since I plan to do this in the morning, my score will be for yesterday.) I have totally fallen off the wagon, and while I am climbing back on, hanging on here and there, I haven't been fully ON for quite awhile. I made a new acronym (yes, I have a penchant for those): PREP WEBS. Pray, Read, Exercise, Plan my day, Write my blog and journal, Eat healthy, and Be Sober. Yesterday I didn't read any novels, but I watched recorded movies and ate some sweets. No sobriety point. I did read my scriptures, but I didn't exercise. I was late getting out, and by the time I parked at the YMCA it was already 9:30am. So I just sat there for a minute and then drove home. :< Sigh. I prayed, but not enough. I didn't get enough vegetables. I did write. So let's see... that's 4/7 (I'm giving myself only half for prayer and taking off half for the low veggie ratio). Hmmm. I need to do better -- this isn't the 4 to the power of 7 blog.

First Step

I've heard that every journey begins with the first step. I've been stepping for quite awhile now, but today does feel like a first step because I completed one. I do so much, day in and day out, yet so much of it isn't ever finished. It feels great to make a huge change and feel the momentum growing. (Don't worry -- I know I'll have to keep the closet tidy.) I'll have to pace myself, though, because the never-finished still needs attention. (After all, I can't ignore the dishes just because it isn't a rush when they're caught up.) So I'll enjoy my most recent first -- and completed -- step, and keep on stepping.

Hope & Change

I am thinking about the power of hope to help us move, do, try... and which brings us to make changes in ourselves, in our homes, in our relationships. Those changes then inspire, motivate and encourage us to greater hope and then that hope leads to greater change. It's an upward spiral to ever-better things.

So how's that for waxing philosophical about a cleaned out and re-organized closet? I decided I wanted another filing cabinet, and there on Craigslist was a free one! We moved out the microwave and the dresser, put in some more crates, and -- voila! -- things are looking like we mean it. And we swept under the stairs and moved the tool box and coolers in. That freed up the space behind the couch, so we laid the carpet tiles back down. We're just redoing all over the place, and it feels good. (I especially like the part where we get rid of stuff.)

I HOPE I can keep up with the CHANGE, and that the CHANGE brings me more HOPE. I hope it doesn't just make me confused. (Julie, age 5, commented, "This house is just getting so... wierd. You keep moving everything around.)

Catch Up

Why do I have to learn, over and over again, that it's easier to keep up than to catch up? With everything from journals to housework to relationships, the focus and discipline to keep them where you'd like them to be (and to make them even better) pays off a hundred-fold. I KNOW this. So am I really too busy to read my scriptures, make that phone call, pick up the broom, capture the thoughts and experiences and feelings of my day, start the washer? Or do I lack the faith, wisdom and / or courage? Joseph Smith said that "anything not of faith is sin." Ouch -- it seems I have some repenting to do! I am grateful for the chance -- each day -- to try again, to get it, maybe not right, definitely not perfect, but at least a little better.

Power

We lost power the other night. With all the snow and wind, it's amazing that it was only out for six hours or so. So I couldn't blog or surf or anything: we had to read and go to bed early. I'll talk more about it tomorrow: Dave wants to go watch a movie tonight!

Habits

One of the reasons I started this project was to develop habits that would serve me better and stay with me when I hit bumps in my road. I attended a funeral and wondered, "What habits would I keep while facing such a tremendous challenge and fundamental change?" "Which habits would fall by the wayside?"

We now have at least one answer to the latter question: this blog and just about every aspect of my list! (And it didn't even take anything as drastic as losing a loved one.) Friday brought my parents into town, and Saturday brought over two feet of snow. I think I would have done all right despite the snowstorm, but it was having company that threw me. It felt awkward and rude to ignore them and go "do my own thing." In retrospect, I'm sure they wouldn't have minded; they might have enjoyed the respite to have time for themselves.

I see now that I will have to plan how to stick to (or creatively rearrange) my routines and activities. Sometimes I will be able to foresee challenge and change coming, but other times I will need to adapt on the go. Building up my habit muscles should at least give me some options.

Birthdays

My firstborn turned 25 recently, and my ninth (out of ten) turned 8 today. I decided years ago that the day itself is not special, but we can make it so through our anticipation, preparation and celebration. In the mid-morning, Nate said with some disappointment that today didn't feel like his birthday -- just like a normal day. Later, though, after having a lunch date, finding a fun toy that I would actually buy, eating cake and getting presents, he said that he had a really good day and it finally felt like a birthday. Perhaps birthdays are a microcosm of life: they begin our lives, they represent our lives, and -- like our lives -- they are what we make of them.

Snow Days

The weatherman predicted 2-4" of snow today, and I was hoping for school to be cancelled so we could have a snow day. Usually, we don't get to plan our snow days -- those days when we throw the schedule out the window and just play & drink hot chocolate. (As it turns out, I didn't get one today after all.) I suppose it's a common acknowledgement that we need snow days now and then, regardless of the weather. Do we declare our own snow days now and then, or can we trust that life will do its own job of mixing things up?

So I started thinking... How would I do on my commitment to my list of SEVEN if it were a snow day? Can you take a day off from doing the right thing? And that brings me to attitude: this morning the children and I talked about the fact that what matters is WHY you do things, and not so much WHAT you do. (This was to help them with patience and love with their siblings -- to give each other the benefit of the doubt. I'll keep you posted on how that goes.) If I pursue my seven things each day with a spirit of drudgery and obligation, then I crave snow days to let me off that hook. But if I have decided that these are essential ingredients to bring peace, happiness and strength into my life, a snow day would naturally include them -- along with other restful and delightful changes.

So I'm back to why I'm sticking to my list of seven, instead of what is actually on that list. I am finding confidence in my effort, because it allows for growth and meaning along with a light dusting of snow.

Energy

I am learning the value of getting off to a good start (can you believe it? I woke up AND GOT UP before my alarm went off). I'm not sure why I just popped awake, but I've felt good lately. It must be the making and keeping of commitments -- doing your best is energizing!

Among other things -- Steven's school project, Julie's play date, lots of dirty dishes -- Dave and I tackled the basement storage area: rearranging the shelves, clearing out boxes, and sweeping. (Speaking of sweeping: it sure is amazing how such a simple task makes such a difference. I bet that applies to other things in life; I'll give that some thought.) I am excited now about continuing (never finishing, really, since it's ongoing) the work down there. Once I turn my focus on a project, I can't figure out why I didn't do it earlier. Getting started seems to break down all the (imagined) barriers, and pushes me forward.

We were encouraged and energized by the boys, who put their miner's headlamps on (Christmas gifts from Santa) and climbed around the crawl space. They even drew a map! They were pretty excited, so we let them go back in to put some things away. (They definitely fit in there better than I do.) The attitude you take to your work affects your energy dramatically. That's a good lesson for me.

My List of Seven

Here are my seven daily steps: Plan, Read, Pray, Write, Eat, Exercise, and Be Sober.

Plan = Take time to evaluate my priorities and my obligations, making space for the little things, and keeping track of what I'm supposed to be doing. I will review that every day, and rework it to fit the current situation (thus, staying reasonable).

Read = Study the scriptures (and other modern revelation) each day. I will also read the Book of Mormon (2 pages a day will get me to finish it twice by the end of this year). I've collected all my books in a basket that I brought back from Austria. :>

Write = I will capture thoughts and impressions and great quotes as I read and pray and plan. I will keep a specific journal just for that (okay, a leftover composition book) along with a few pens and highlighters handy.

Pray = I will pray before I begin my planning, reading & writing, as well as afterward, to ask the Lord's direction and blessing on my efforts and my day, and to dedicate myself to Him.

Eat = Eat healthy, wholesome foods. I want to be more organized and live more providently, especially in the menus, storage and preparation areas.

Exercise = I will exercise seven times a week (I do two types on Monday and Friday, so I can skip Saturday and Sunday). I'm a little behind because I fell off the wagon last week, so I'm doubling my Wednesdays for the month of February.

Be Sober = Just what it means! I know this usually applies to alcohol, but in the scriptures Alma recommends this to his sons, and it struck me as the best way to describe what I need. I have a few downfalls (yes, okay... addictions) that trap me in and suck me down. I could probably handle them in little doses, but how do you only watch a little of the TV show you're following, stop eating after only one cookie, or put the novel down before you've found out what happens?!? My only recourse is to go cold turkey, and just say no. In a nod to the necessity of being reasonable, I am allowing myself to indulge with supervision. This means, for example, that I can read while I'm keeping children company as they fall asleep, or when Dave still hasn't turned out the light, and I can even have sweets if I share with Dave. The TV shows are going to have to wait, though.

P.S. = I plan to pray and read the Book of Mormon at night. (Get it? Pray/Scriptures... P.S.?) This is included in my Pray and Read at the top of the page, but I thought it was cute to add a P.S. to my list of Seven so that I would be sure to keep on track.

The Power of Seven

I've heard that seven is the highest number we can instantly grasp and see as itself: anything higher must be broken into parts in our minds to be understood. Perhaps it is also the biggest step forward we can take, without having to break things down into smaller pieces. I'm beginning to think of the power of seven as the strength of steady, dedicated and reasonable effort.

Years ago, I found myself waiting for someone or something to hand me the perfect system, whether to organize the children's chores, to structure my family, or to live my life. I eventually realized that no ideal system could be dropped into place -- I would have to develop it myself gradually for it to be of any use. I also sheepishly admitted that even if I could be handed the absolutely perfect way to do something--anything!--I couldn't follow it because I myself wasn't perfect.

I have already chosen the path I will follow -- that of my Savior, Jesus Christ and His restored gospel. So I am looking for a way to take that journey, HOW to travel, rather than which way or a certain destination. In that spirit, I commit myself to seven things which I will do each day for seven sets of seven weeks before I reach seven sets of seven years (of age -- yes! 49). (Honestly, I hope I will be able to lose seven sets of seven pounds along the way. :>) I will try to be steady and reasonable, and move forward seven dedicated steps at a time.