Change is good, right?

So, today our wards got all redone. I'm thinking about how hard it will be for those who are going to a new ward, and yet how exciting it is to have a new beginning, as it were. (I'm also trying to read through the cat who jumped up on the desk and is now batting at the letters as they appear on the monitor.) More later -- just thought I'd try my new technique to save the space. :>

Tender Mercies

I was looking for insight last night, and as I prayed the Lord brought a scripture to my mind. I feel so grateful and blessed -- despite my failings, the Lord still answers my prayers. Plus, the scripture clearly fits and enlightens my questions (about process vs. results). I'll do more on this blog tomorrow.

Tuesday April 13th

so I'll get back to this soon. :>

Where to Begin?

Eveyone says you should keep a journal. (I suppose a blog counts, though it has some differences.) I noticed a while back that I would pick up my journal to write after some time had gone by, and it would invariably be around a month since I had written last. An entire month -- gone. Talk about "saving your life"! -- writing things down preserves the memories, which is all we end up with from this life. When I don't write it down, I'm sure it still influences me (for good or bad), but I don't remember it. If it was really important, I could hope that the Holy Ghost would "bring all things to my remembrance," but maybe that's only as I lay dying and my life flashes before my eyes. That isn't much use to me NOW.

So with the blog: I have many ideas and thoughts that I could write about and develop. Where to begin? I also have tons of work and projects to do. Where to begin? I was trying to figure that out (for this blog entry), and it occurred to me that I have already begun (in so many ways): my birth, my marriage, my family, my work, my service, my writing, my prayers, my path. I can't begin, so much as recommence, rededicate, recommit, renew. Maybe that's because there is no beginning, just as there is no end. How can you define a point (and why bother trying) when it is, after all, meaningless?

This is a huge ahah! experience for me. Seriously! I have been constantly looking for something momentous, memorable or meaningful to pin my thoughts, efforts, or plans on. Even the 7 to the power of 7 idea hinges on something clever or cute that I can use to justify the new direction and/or new system. It's related to the linear quality of goals: once I mess things up, I have to find a new hook for myself -- I want a pristine piece of paper for writing my life. But this is all forgetting the eternal and spiral nature of our existence. In always remembering that truth, I can be liberated as well as strengthened and inspired. Where to begin? Wrong question. I've already begun, and need only keep moving forward.

Karl Joseph Savage

Dave's brother Karl died on Wednesday, suddenly, shockingly. I feel sad, devastated, and sobered. Part of the sorrow is I didn't even know what I was missing until it was gone. I still don't fully comprehend. I have always loved and admired Karl, and I have come to respect and honor him. He was faithful and did what he felt was right, no matter the cost to himself. I want to be able to do that. His loss reminds me that there are no guarantees, and shows me that I have been forgetting that: blithely tossing my time around without care or thought for what really matters, what really lasts. Space, time and words could never suffice to describe the sorrow, the loss, the grief --but joy, repentance and gratitude can come from, shine forth, and bless this pain and sancify it (and us).

April Fools

I have been a fool many times, and I'm sure I will be many times more. I am feeling especially foolish as I look back at the last several weeks and see how much time I have wasted and how many bad habits I have fostered. But it occurs to me as I write that I don't have the right perspective: yes, I've stayed in a few favorite ruts, but I have accomplished some good as well.

Tonight I just finished helping a dear friend submit her final coursework for a Bachelor's Degree. She has worked so hard, and it has been a privilege to support her. I'm tired, the house is messy, but the BIG THING is done. Maybe I should look back at my last few weeks (months, years) with that perspective: I wasn' t perfect at everything, but I did get some good things -- things that matter, things that last -- done. Then I wouldn't feel so foolish, after all.

Blinded by the Light

You're not supposed to look directly at the sun, because they say it will burn your retinas. Don't let that stop you from looking elsewhere for intensely focused light -- it will be a blessing. When I look at all the great and amazing qualities and abilities of my husband, I am blinded to any small traits that I don't share or enjoy. (This is true for every person I have the privilege to know well, but he's the easiest and most obvious example. ) When I let my blessings and my gratitude occupy my mind and heart, I don't even notice the little gravel of inconvenience or discourtesy along the path. When I keep my eyes focused on my Savior, the sins and hurts that beset me become insignficant. I see no darkness, I fear no pain, I cry no fault: I am blinded by the light of joy, love and priceless worth shining from each soul, each step, each day.