Blinded by the Light

You're not supposed to look directly at the sun, because they say it will burn your retinas. Don't let that stop you from looking elsewhere for intensely focused light -- it will be a blessing. When I look at all the great and amazing qualities and abilities of my husband, I am blinded to any small traits that I don't share or enjoy. (This is true for every person I have the privilege to know well, but he's the easiest and most obvious example. ) When I let my blessings and my gratitude occupy my mind and heart, I don't even notice the little gravel of inconvenience or discourtesy along the path. When I keep my eyes focused on my Savior, the sins and hurts that beset me become insignficant. I see no darkness, I fear no pain, I cry no fault: I am blinded by the light of joy, love and priceless worth shining from each soul, each step, each day.

Goals

I've had a bad attitude about goals for a long time (ever since Uncle Karl pointed out how linear they are: a story for another time). Dave says they're important and I could sure use some. I've been gradually warming to them, depending on how they structured. I mean, how can you have a goal to "get up every morning at 5:30am and exercise"? The first day that you're sick or that your alarm doesn't go off, you are a failure. I'm more comfortable with goals like "read the scriptures every day." That way, if something disrupts your normal plan, you can adjust and still "succeed." (This brings up the whole other topic of what is success, but I'll save that one for another day as well.) If you notice, you'll see that I'm actually more in favor of plans than goals. This has to do with how plans focus on means rather than ends, on efforts rather than results.

BUT, a while back it struck me (while reading the scriptures!) that a covenant is a commitment to/with God, and a promise is a commitment to others, so a goal can be seen as a commitment to yourself. That, I can accept (and use). My entire Seven to the Power of Seven plan is an expression of my commitment to myself for improvement, discipline and growth. Maybe I don't hate goals as much as I thought: perhaps I am only careful to avoid the dead ends of unrealistic and unreasonable ones. Let's hope!

Sunshine in my Soul

Things have been a wreck around here lately. Personally: sweets, novels & TV galore. Family: arguing, playing, yelling, chasing. School: homework done late if at all; grousing. Housework: I'm sorry, I don't know what that is. Is that why the floor crunches when I walk, the bedrooms look ransacked and there's a funny smell in the bathroom? You get the idea.

But we've had record warmth (can't really call 55 degrees heat), the sun is shining, the trees are budding and the daffodils and crocuses are beginning to shoot up. I swept, I mopped, I washed, I dried, I folded, I put away, I wiped, I opened and voila! things don't seem that bad anymore. There just might be hope for me. (Well, I suppose there always IS hope, but the question is whether I will embrace it.)

Sometimes I wait for the sunshine from outside to start my hope to shoot up and my growth to begin budding. I need to remember that there is always Sunshine for my soul when I turn to my Savior and let His light -- which is ever present, maybe even more so when the clouds gather and the storms rage -- illuminate and enliven me.

Accountability

I took my son to a therapist, but who can I take myself to? I am up and down, all over the place. (For example, yesterday was a .33/7 day -- I didn't watch any television.) I guess I'm trying to be my own therapist, but I definitely need someone who will hold my feet to the fire at least once a week. Or maybe just listen attentively and sympathetically to my pathetic excuses and gushing victories. I don't think that will fix my problems, but KNOWING that someone will ask for an accounting would certainly change some of my choices.

This would help my children, too. (I mean the ones still at home, though the older ones are free to request phone counseling. :>) I see a need for me to be more supportive and more structured: to give THEM the accountability that I also need. Okay! the "think out loud on paper but really typing" method has worked again: I need to schedule weekly interviews with my children (and try to figure out who wants to hold one with me).