Areas of Weakness

We all have them, and most of us know what they are. Do we just have to live with them? Captain Moroni didn't. He recognized the areas of weakness in his country, and fortified them against his enemies. (He knew who they were, too.) He identified the places that wouldn't withstand an attack, and strategically strengthened them in anticipation of the battle he knew would come. And come it did, but "...to their utter astonishment, they were prepared for them, in a manner which never had been known..."

Sure enough, he trounced the bad guys -- but "it came to pass that Moroni did not stop making preparations..." He (1) heaped up earth into ridges, (2) built works of timbers, (3) placed strong and high pickets on top of that, (4) built towers to overlook the pickets, and (5) built places of security upon the towers. Not only that did he prepare defenses, but his army went out looking for and driving out bad guys from their land.

Can I identify my areas of weakness, and fortify myself? I could avoid the places or situations that trip me up and suck me down, I could commit myself to positive things (so I'd be too busy to blow it), I could read the scriptures to support myself, I could invite my friends and family to help me with my efforts, I could use prayer as a safety net. I could even seek out the excuses and rationalizations and bad habits that plague me and drive them out of my heart, my mind, my life. The Lord says that He will make weak things strong: when I am willing to work as hard as Moroni did to defend and fortify myself and those I love, God will show me how to strengthen my areas of weakness, how to build each day the fortifications He knows I need for the battles, seen and unseen, that I face.

Accomplishment

We honor it, we seek it, we rest on it, we imagine it: to accomplish something. There is a satisfaction in the completing, or the laying down or putting to rest of the task, project, goal, dream. (Just see my rave about my cleaned and organized closet, for one example.) I was going to pat myself on the back today because yesterday was a 7 of out 7 day! Yes, I did plan my time (even praying whether I should give up going to the YMCA because I could NOT find my bathing suit -- the impression I got was "keep looking"), read my scriptures, eat healthy foods, pray (more than once!), write in my journal and my blog, exercise (see above :>) and ... hmmm, how do I put this in past tense: I "be'd sober," "be sobered" or the boring "was sober"? (This is like "copies of the Book of Mormon.") How about: I didn't watch any television, I didn't eat any sweets, and I didn't read any novels today. (Now THAT's an accomplishment.)



Yet as I ponder it, I didn't complete anything. I am still on the journey; I still have progress to make, steps to take. Does one small success, one inching toward completion, a bit of movement, a piece of victory, a taste of glory COUNT? "Yes," and "It depends." Yes, because life isn't later, joy isn't eventual, and purpose is present. The fact that I need to do it again today doesn't diminish the reality that I did accomplish my goal, objective, commitment yesterday. It depends because who is doing the counting? It seems to me that it is always a mistake to imagine some ubiquitous "they" judging, scoring, and counting our efforts and choices: I wonder if "they" are a disguise for our own internal criticism, the lies of the world's expectations, the dismissive, demeaning and discouraging voices demanding justice while withholding mercy. Life, purpose and joy ARE the accomplishment -- we must accept and embrace them before we can celebrate other, more fleeting yet more tangible, success.

Disappointment

When my grandma was elderly, she gave a picture from her bedroom to one of her grand-daughters. She didn't know that my Mom had always loved that picture (a little girl, looking at a bird) because she remembered it from her own childhood. My mom asked her mother where it had gone, and felt devastated when she was told it had gone to her niece. Grandma felt bad, too, when she realized how much it meant to my Mom.

But Mom never said anything to her niece, because she understood that she hadn't meant anything bad by asking Grandma for it. How could she know? My Mom tried to get over her sadness by reminding herself that it was just a picture, that no one had hurt her on purpose and that she had never told anyone her own wishes about it. She was still sad, but she put it in perspective and moved on.

For Christmas that year, her niece gave the picture to my Mom. (Maybe the little bird told her?) I wonder if my Mom treasures this picture doubly now, not only because of her childhood memories but also because it reminds her of the reality of loss, disappointment and unmet expectations while reflecting the triumph of clarity, sacrifice and love.

I had a disappointment yesterday, and I cried. Like my Mom, I comforted myself with knowing that no one knew what I expected or how I felt, that it was just a physical thing and that no one hurt me on purpose. I also reminded myself that the Lord is aware of all of us, and will bless and compensate us according to our needs. I'm still disappointed, and I'm still a little sad. But the clarity of understanding, the sacrifice of selfishness and the love of God win the day.

Addiction

I was thinking about addiction (this, after hearing lots of opinions about Tiger Woods today), and wondering how it works. Maybe addiction is just a higher level of habitually giving in to temptation -- when you get to the point where it doesn't feel like a temptation, but just the normal way to live, choose, be. Lately I've been struggling... well, that implies I'm resisting, working, striving, fighting --so I guess I'd have to say that I'm in the beginnning stages of failing... with my bad habits. I feel myself going down hill. I get an out-of-body experience, watching myself doing things I really don't want to be doing. Often during a day, a thought will pop in my head: "You could go upstairs and read ___" (insert current novel here), or "How about some ice cream?" for example. My ability to ignore those drop-in, pop-up temptations waxes and wanes. I was pondering today on what influences my strength to resist (or not). I'm not sure I've got an exact formula, but my current success (I don't want to break my record so far), my current focus (I know what I really want and that isn't it), my current level of energy (I'm well-nurtured spiritually and physically) and my current degree of faith (confidence that the Lord will help me, certainty that this is His will) are definitely essential ingredients in the recipe. As far as accountability, yesterday was 2/7 (exercise & eat right); today was 4/7 (Plan, Write, Eat right & Read). I definitely need to work on the Be Sober one :>

Confession

I need to get back to the reason I started this blog in the first place: my journey of seven steps a day (x7x7(time)x7x7(pounds)x7x7(years)). I'm going to score myself every day, just to be accountable. (Since I plan to do this in the morning, my score will be for yesterday.) I have totally fallen off the wagon, and while I am climbing back on, hanging on here and there, I haven't been fully ON for quite awhile. I made a new acronym (yes, I have a penchant for those): PREP WEBS. Pray, Read, Exercise, Plan my day, Write my blog and journal, Eat healthy, and Be Sober. Yesterday I didn't read any novels, but I watched recorded movies and ate some sweets. No sobriety point. I did read my scriptures, but I didn't exercise. I was late getting out, and by the time I parked at the YMCA it was already 9:30am. So I just sat there for a minute and then drove home. :< Sigh. I prayed, but not enough. I didn't get enough vegetables. I did write. So let's see... that's 4/7 (I'm giving myself only half for prayer and taking off half for the low veggie ratio). Hmmm. I need to do better -- this isn't the 4 to the power of 7 blog.

First Step

I've heard that every journey begins with the first step. I've been stepping for quite awhile now, but today does feel like a first step because I completed one. I do so much, day in and day out, yet so much of it isn't ever finished. It feels great to make a huge change and feel the momentum growing. (Don't worry -- I know I'll have to keep the closet tidy.) I'll have to pace myself, though, because the never-finished still needs attention. (After all, I can't ignore the dishes just because it isn't a rush when they're caught up.) So I'll enjoy my most recent first -- and completed -- step, and keep on stepping.

Hope & Change

I am thinking about the power of hope to help us move, do, try... and which brings us to make changes in ourselves, in our homes, in our relationships. Those changes then inspire, motivate and encourage us to greater hope and then that hope leads to greater change. It's an upward spiral to ever-better things.

So how's that for waxing philosophical about a cleaned out and re-organized closet? I decided I wanted another filing cabinet, and there on Craigslist was a free one! We moved out the microwave and the dresser, put in some more crates, and -- voila! -- things are looking like we mean it. And we swept under the stairs and moved the tool box and coolers in. That freed up the space behind the couch, so we laid the carpet tiles back down. We're just redoing all over the place, and it feels good. (I especially like the part where we get rid of stuff.)

I HOPE I can keep up with the CHANGE, and that the CHANGE brings me more HOPE. I hope it doesn't just make me confused. (Julie, age 5, commented, "This house is just getting so... wierd. You keep moving everything around.)

Catch Up

Why do I have to learn, over and over again, that it's easier to keep up than to catch up? With everything from journals to housework to relationships, the focus and discipline to keep them where you'd like them to be (and to make them even better) pays off a hundred-fold. I KNOW this. So am I really too busy to read my scriptures, make that phone call, pick up the broom, capture the thoughts and experiences and feelings of my day, start the washer? Or do I lack the faith, wisdom and / or courage? Joseph Smith said that "anything not of faith is sin." Ouch -- it seems I have some repenting to do! I am grateful for the chance -- each day -- to try again, to get it, maybe not right, definitely not perfect, but at least a little better.

Power

We lost power the other night. With all the snow and wind, it's amazing that it was only out for six hours or so. So I couldn't blog or surf or anything: we had to read and go to bed early. I'll talk more about it tomorrow: Dave wants to go watch a movie tonight!

Habits

One of the reasons I started this project was to develop habits that would serve me better and stay with me when I hit bumps in my road. I attended a funeral and wondered, "What habits would I keep while facing such a tremendous challenge and fundamental change?" "Which habits would fall by the wayside?"

We now have at least one answer to the latter question: this blog and just about every aspect of my list! (And it didn't even take anything as drastic as losing a loved one.) Friday brought my parents into town, and Saturday brought over two feet of snow. I think I would have done all right despite the snowstorm, but it was having company that threw me. It felt awkward and rude to ignore them and go "do my own thing." In retrospect, I'm sure they wouldn't have minded; they might have enjoyed the respite to have time for themselves.

I see now that I will have to plan how to stick to (or creatively rearrange) my routines and activities. Sometimes I will be able to foresee challenge and change coming, but other times I will need to adapt on the go. Building up my habit muscles should at least give me some options.

Birthdays

My firstborn turned 25 recently, and my ninth (out of ten) turned 8 today. I decided years ago that the day itself is not special, but we can make it so through our anticipation, preparation and celebration. In the mid-morning, Nate said with some disappointment that today didn't feel like his birthday -- just like a normal day. Later, though, after having a lunch date, finding a fun toy that I would actually buy, eating cake and getting presents, he said that he had a really good day and it finally felt like a birthday. Perhaps birthdays are a microcosm of life: they begin our lives, they represent our lives, and -- like our lives -- they are what we make of them.

Snow Days

The weatherman predicted 2-4" of snow today, and I was hoping for school to be cancelled so we could have a snow day. Usually, we don't get to plan our snow days -- those days when we throw the schedule out the window and just play & drink hot chocolate. (As it turns out, I didn't get one today after all.) I suppose it's a common acknowledgement that we need snow days now and then, regardless of the weather. Do we declare our own snow days now and then, or can we trust that life will do its own job of mixing things up?

So I started thinking... How would I do on my commitment to my list of SEVEN if it were a snow day? Can you take a day off from doing the right thing? And that brings me to attitude: this morning the children and I talked about the fact that what matters is WHY you do things, and not so much WHAT you do. (This was to help them with patience and love with their siblings -- to give each other the benefit of the doubt. I'll keep you posted on how that goes.) If I pursue my seven things each day with a spirit of drudgery and obligation, then I crave snow days to let me off that hook. But if I have decided that these are essential ingredients to bring peace, happiness and strength into my life, a snow day would naturally include them -- along with other restful and delightful changes.

So I'm back to why I'm sticking to my list of seven, instead of what is actually on that list. I am finding confidence in my effort, because it allows for growth and meaning along with a light dusting of snow.

Energy

I am learning the value of getting off to a good start (can you believe it? I woke up AND GOT UP before my alarm went off). I'm not sure why I just popped awake, but I've felt good lately. It must be the making and keeping of commitments -- doing your best is energizing!

Among other things -- Steven's school project, Julie's play date, lots of dirty dishes -- Dave and I tackled the basement storage area: rearranging the shelves, clearing out boxes, and sweeping. (Speaking of sweeping: it sure is amazing how such a simple task makes such a difference. I bet that applies to other things in life; I'll give that some thought.) I am excited now about continuing (never finishing, really, since it's ongoing) the work down there. Once I turn my focus on a project, I can't figure out why I didn't do it earlier. Getting started seems to break down all the (imagined) barriers, and pushes me forward.

We were encouraged and energized by the boys, who put their miner's headlamps on (Christmas gifts from Santa) and climbed around the crawl space. They even drew a map! They were pretty excited, so we let them go back in to put some things away. (They definitely fit in there better than I do.) The attitude you take to your work affects your energy dramatically. That's a good lesson for me.

My List of Seven

Here are my seven daily steps: Plan, Read, Pray, Write, Eat, Exercise, and Be Sober.

Plan = Take time to evaluate my priorities and my obligations, making space for the little things, and keeping track of what I'm supposed to be doing. I will review that every day, and rework it to fit the current situation (thus, staying reasonable).

Read = Study the scriptures (and other modern revelation) each day. I will also read the Book of Mormon (2 pages a day will get me to finish it twice by the end of this year). I've collected all my books in a basket that I brought back from Austria. :>

Write = I will capture thoughts and impressions and great quotes as I read and pray and plan. I will keep a specific journal just for that (okay, a leftover composition book) along with a few pens and highlighters handy.

Pray = I will pray before I begin my planning, reading & writing, as well as afterward, to ask the Lord's direction and blessing on my efforts and my day, and to dedicate myself to Him.

Eat = Eat healthy, wholesome foods. I want to be more organized and live more providently, especially in the menus, storage and preparation areas.

Exercise = I will exercise seven times a week (I do two types on Monday and Friday, so I can skip Saturday and Sunday). I'm a little behind because I fell off the wagon last week, so I'm doubling my Wednesdays for the month of February.

Be Sober = Just what it means! I know this usually applies to alcohol, but in the scriptures Alma recommends this to his sons, and it struck me as the best way to describe what I need. I have a few downfalls (yes, okay... addictions) that trap me in and suck me down. I could probably handle them in little doses, but how do you only watch a little of the TV show you're following, stop eating after only one cookie, or put the novel down before you've found out what happens?!? My only recourse is to go cold turkey, and just say no. In a nod to the necessity of being reasonable, I am allowing myself to indulge with supervision. This means, for example, that I can read while I'm keeping children company as they fall asleep, or when Dave still hasn't turned out the light, and I can even have sweets if I share with Dave. The TV shows are going to have to wait, though.

P.S. = I plan to pray and read the Book of Mormon at night. (Get it? Pray/Scriptures... P.S.?) This is included in my Pray and Read at the top of the page, but I thought it was cute to add a P.S. to my list of Seven so that I would be sure to keep on track.